Missing The Train: Complicated Grief vs. Unresolved Grief

We have all faced challenges in life that lead to unanswered questions and personal dilemmas that often leave us pondering about our future or the future of our loved ones. These challenges could be financial, ethical, social, or questioning the meaning of life or God. Humans are driven by finding purpose and reason, and most of us have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and understanding. We live our daily life while hopping from one idea to the next, making plans and appointments while propelling our minds into what could be. However, after the tragic death of a loved one, we shift into a state of mind of reviewing our lives and trying to remember what used to be. Our hopes and dreams feel shattered, and we can't see beyond this minute, this hour, or this day. Our grieving state of mind hampers the drives that propelled us into the future, and happiness seems so far away, like the train that left the station ten seconds before our arrival. This new feeling we may or may not have experienced in the past is the unwelcoming feeling of grief and loss. The questions fill our minds, "where do we go from here?" "How can I go on when my loved one has passed?" "When will the stabbing pain in my heart and soul end?" All of these feelings are normal and are expected when we experience the loss of someone we love so dearly.

Through bereavement counseling and support, we are expected to begin the healing process of accepting, finding closure, and coming to the reality that we must move on to function normally. The bereavement process has no time frame, it could take weeks, months, or even years to accept the reality of our circumstances and find some meaning in our lives once again. Part of the bereavement process is to continue moving forward; of course, we slip from time to time and fall back into grief, which is normal too. The dangers of grief are when we become stagnant and stop moving forwards or backward. Much like a doctor who examines their patient and identifies their ailment, if their patient gets worse after administering the medication, they can change the model of care. If they see their patient is improving, they know that the care plan is effective. However, a doctor has a tough time treating a patient that becomes stagnant and does not respond to anything.

When dealing with bereavement, this is called complicated grief. Individuals experiencing complicated grief cannot see beyond their sadness and despair; they can't see positivity and joy in the future. Often, they feel that if they are happy or try to find acceptance, this will be disrespectful to the memory of their loved ones. They might say, "how can I be happy when my loved one has died." On the flip side, unresolved grief may be a feeling of sadness or loss that has not been identified or dealt with properly. A person experiencing this kind of grief has a greater chance of rehabilitating through counseling, trying to find meaning and reason through identifying triggers, and learning new interventions to deal with their loss. This article does not intend to downplay the grief that one is dealing with or simplify grief by any means. Grief never goes away and will continue to pop up in our daily activities, but through proper counseling and coaching, we can learn to accept that our lives have changed into a new paradigm, life plus grief. Moving forward, we will establish a new normal and let go of the past, permitting ourselves to move on with the memory of our loved ones, giving us strength, purpose, and new opportunities to celebrate their life and memory in the future.